Tag: church

When a Teen Daughter Wants to Bring Her Teen Boyfriend to Church

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I’ve served in ministry and in church long enough to see this scenario quite a few times: a teenage girl bringing her teenage boyfriend to church. I’ve seen parents handle this situation in many different ways.

By the way, I have yet to see this the other way around (a teenage boy bringing his teenage girlfriend to church), but that’s a different blog post.

Let me share my thoughts as a pastor for when your daughter brings her boyfriend to church.

THE GOOD

Okay, so that I’m not overtly negative and give away my general take on the situation—here are some redeeming points and positive arguments for a teen girl bringing her teen boyfriend to church.

  • Parents, you get to see firsthand how Mr. Teen-Boy responds to the worship service. Is he engaged in the singing? Does he listen well to the preaching? Is his Bible open on his app or in his lap? How does he interact with strangers?
  • Parents, you get to have a shared experience with Mr. Teen-Boy beyond simple interactions with your daughter. This gives you something of substance to talk about (besides your daughter). Forget the weather or the Final Four—now you can get an insight into just how much of the church service was his focus.
  • And I would say most importantly, Parents, you get a front-row seat to see whether Mr. Teen-Boy enhances or distracts from your daughter’s ability to grow in and worship God. You’ll be able to tell if they’re more focused on each other or on the true reasons Christians gather for church (to worship God and fellowship with other believers). If they’re touching each other, that likely means they’re distracted (and if you were ever a teenager, you know this from experience).

Parents, what else would you add to this section?

THE BAD

If Mr. Teen-Boy is a Christian from a church-going family, then the fact that he’s with your family means he’s not worshiping with his own family. Sure once or twice isn’t the end of the world, but simply put, teenagers need to experience the church worship service with their own families. Parents remain the primary influence on their teens, so don’t lessen their ability to have that influence by allowing him to worship with your family. He should be with his family, both his home family and his church family.

Again, a periodic visit is not the end of the world, but it should not become the norm.

Only about 2% of people marry their high school sweetheart. Point being, don’t taint your daughter’s worship experience by introducing an emotional presence that, in all likelihood, won’t be around for the long haul. Even if they do stay together and get married, I’d still argue that the healthier approach is for teenagers to attend church with their parents.

This is actually a primary reason why, as you’ll see, I’m generally against teenagers bringing a boyfriend to church.

Parents, what else would you add to this section?

THE UGLY

The heart of the issue is whether or not he’ll be a distraction to your daughter, and by extension, your whole family. If he’s really there just to be with your daughter, that will be his focus – and that is part of “the ugly” of this whole conversation.

But I can already hear parents putting up the defense, “But, but, but this boy doesn’t come from a Christian family—we may be his only chance!” Firstly, that’s not true. God is bigger than that, but also, let’s address a few things here:

  • Setting aside whether or not teens should date in general, your daughter shouldn’t be dating him if she’s a Christian and he’s not (2 Corinthians 6:14).
  • Remember, Dad, you hold your daughter’s heart in your hands. You are to care for her tenderly, love her fully, and raise her righteously. As you raise her, you’re also showing her the type of man she deserves – and so, are you showing her the qualities of the type of man she should be looking for, starting with a commitment to faith in Jesus? If she’s at the point of dating, then you need to be clear on not just who she should be open to dating, but the purpose of dating: Is it simply about having fun because this is what teenagers do at this age, or is it about learning how to discern who would make a great future husband?

A CHRISTIAN BOY FROM A NON-CHRISTIAN FAMILY

Here’s another scenario: What if he’s a Christian but his family is not. If that’s the case and he’s brought into you and your daughter’s life, then here’s a few notes:

  • The hard part of this would mean that he is growing up in a family that very well may be a kind and loving family, but is not a Christian family and so he’s not getting modeled in the home what makes Christian families different: Praying, devotion, Christian values, church involvement, etc. This doesn’t mean he and your daughter do not have a future, but it does mean you have a chance to speak Truth into his life that he’s not getting at home.
  • So, make sure he’s at youth group, connecting with other Christians his age and faithful Christian mentors helping him to truly growing in faith.
  • This should go without saying, but invite his family to church!
  • Fathers, if things are getting serious and you want to help disciple him, then consider joining a men’s group with him where you can continue to pour into him and be the Christian parental influence he doesn’t have. Or, if that’s too awkward, connect him with a godly man who will disciple him beyond Sunday mornings. Again, this may be too serious of an involvement for a teen relationship, but the reality is – if they are in a relationship, then your daughter’s heart is being affected, and you – Dads – are to protect your daughter’s heart. So protect her heart by making sure that which is affecting her heart is a positive influence.

Parents, what else would you add to this section?

In Summary

As you enter into these possibilities, don’t forget the power of prayer as you pray for the boy that your daughter wants to bring to church. And if you do decide to have him come to church with your family, for the love of all that is holy, don’t let them sit next to each other!

Parents, at the end of the day, my honest assessment is that unless engagement is a real possibility, don’t allow it. In my experience as both a father, youth pastor, executive pastor, and now lead pastor – teenagers are too quick to entangle their hearts with dating, and the spiritual environment of church is meant to deepen fellowship, friendship, and relationship with those who go to church together – So, is your daughter ready for that added element in her dating relationships – because these sorts of experiences just further add to the depth of heartache when/if their relationship ends.

I know my take may seem harsh and unpopular, and your daughter will likely get mad (probably), but this is where you can explain everything mentioned above. It has nothing to do with him as a human, a gentleman, or being “such a nice boy.” This is about what’s best for your daughter – and for him. As I mentioned earlier, this kid needs to be attending church with his family—that’s where he’ll grow the most mature and, ultimately, be a better man for your daughter.

Again, I am giving my opinion and general principles and observations. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule. So, what are your thoughts? Am I being unrealistic, old-fashioned, or spot on?

Parents, what’s your good, bad, and ugly—and what’s your family’s assessment of the situation?

My Advice for the Devil

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The devil in the detail

Let me literally play the Devil’s advocate here and help him refine his approach to attacking and undermining modern American Christians and Christianity. As a pastor, I’ve personally seen what works, and so I’d offer these tips in helping lead Americans away from God, the Gospel, and the Church.

So, here are my five quick pieces of advice for the Devil to be more effective:

1. MAKE SUNDAY MORNING SPORTS MANDATORY

Most Christian parents have already demonstrated they’ll do whatever youth sports require, so just double down on getting sports to happen on Sunday and particularly, Sunday morning. Keep them thinking that as long as they “catch the service online,” it’s a suitable substitute because they already have the “church attendance doesn’t save you” card in their back pocket. It’s paramount the kids see this modeled and also that you never let families see the long-term consequences of this – until it’s too late. Basically, keep them overly committed to secondary things and loosely connected to the primary.

2. KEEP POLITICS THE LITMUS TEST FOR FELLOWSHIP

Keep liberal Christians focused on decrying Trump and denying that true Christians could ever support his presidency. Make sure they keep their smugness, too. Keep conservatives in the narrow mindset that anything that remotely resembles liberalism is anti-Christian. Oh, and keep them in the attitude that meekness is weakness. Do this, and fellowship between Christians of different perspectives will become impossible.

3. SOCIAL MEDIA IS YOUR PLAY. DON’T STOP.

Continue to let people think their comments and posts will change people’s minds because the truth is, it does change people’s minds. It changes what they think of the person posting, not what is posted. Social media doesn’t inform people, it infuriates them. It keeps people in echo chambers and algorithmic cages, which preserves their isolated viewpoints. It keeps people dumbfounded at how others could ever see things differently and even becomes evidence in some people’s minds that the other side is actually the enemy. This is exactly what you want. So, keep feeding people the “likes” because grandstanding and virtue signaling to like-minded people is actually more valuable to them than gracefully engaging with those who disagree.

4. MAKE SURE ONLINE PASTORS ARE MORE INFLUENTIAL THAN LOCAL PASTORS

Sure, keep people “going to church,” but just make sure they are more discipled by the most flamboyant, opinionated, savvy, and brash pastors online, rather than the local pastors who shepherd, minister, and actually interact with their congregation. Keep Christians holding their ministers to the standard of their favorite online platform pastors, rather than the standard of modeling the humble boldness and principled compassion of Jesus Christ. Also, this ties into point number three, but keep people sharing those short social media posts that lack nuance but seem sanctified.

5. KEEP THE CROSS AND THE RESURRECTION OUT OF THE CONVERSATION!

This is critical and given the current cultural climate, this shouldn’t be too hard, but maintain the focus solely on mercy, kindness, empathy, and other such attributes. These qualities help demonstrate who Jesus truly was without painting the full picture of what Christ truly did. Keep the image of Christ as the person who models love for the marginalized, not the God-Man who came to be the sacrifice for sinners and on the third day rose again. Keep the focus on making social change rather than making disciples. Likewise, keep conservatives thinking the Gospel has no direct impact on Christian engagement in public or cultural affairs. Remember, elevate calls to compassion but vilify calls to repent. This keeps well-intended people thinking they are doing Jesus’ work while missing Jesus’ mission.

And because I’m a nice guy, I’ll give a bonus tip for free:

BONUS: KEEP PEOPLE TRAPPED IN SECRET SIN 

Mr. Devil, here is where pride can really do you favors. The longer a sin stays secret, the more powerful it becomes, so don’t let Christians garner a group of friends they can truly trust. If they do, they might confess. Confession sheds light on sin, and sin cannot stand in the light. So, if you want to take down the church, you need to do it from the inside. Not just from the inside of the church through leadership (though that’s effective, too), but from within the hearts of individual Christians who don’t have the connection and trust built up to feel safe enough to admit and repent of sin. This is a long-game strategy, but truly a winning one.

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And so, there are 5+1 tips I’d give to the Devil if he were to ask me what’s most effective in leading people away from God, the Gospel, the Church, and each other. Now, the Devil is smarter than I am, and so he not only does *not* need my help, but he’s got a better plan anyway. That being said, I’ve still seen these points be detrimental to people growing in faith and Christian community.

Jesus Met Them There, Can We?

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This article was written by Vicky Damico, Special Needs Coordinator at Peace Church and was originally published on January 2, 2024 on ResoundMedia.cc

To listen to a discussion diving more into special needs in the context of local church ministry, listen here: Reaching Out from Within with Ryan and Vicky.

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JESUS MET PEOPLE WHERE THEY WERE, AND SO CAN WE.

Heart-hitting statistics:

  • Estimates are that 80 percent to 85 percent of churches don’t have any level of special needs ministry. (1)
  • Only 5 to 10% of the world’s disabled are effectively reached with the gospel, making the disability community one of the largest unreached — some say under-reached — or hidden people groups in the world (2)
  • More than 90% of church-going special needs parents cited the most helpful support to be a “welcoming attitude toward people with disabilities.” Meanwhile, only about 80% of those parents said that a welcoming attitude was present at their church. (3)

The data indicating that 80 to 85 percent of churches lack specialized ministries for individuals with special needs underscores the urgency of establishing targeted outreach programs. To think that millions of families and individuals with special needs do not have access to church programming is simply heartbreaking. A dedicated special needs ministry is crucial as it supports children, adults, and families who often grapple with feelings of isolation and exclusion within a community that should ideally be inclusive. Despite children with special needs attending school alongside their peers and adults engaging in the broader community, churches, with their best intentions, may fall short of meeting these individuals where they are.

To effectively support families with special needs children and individuals with special needs, churches can implement programming and classes geared to our special friends. First, there should be an intake process. A process for church personnel to identify the unique needs of the family or the individual with special needs. From there, training volunteers is a key component to a successful special needs ministry. Church personnel can then match special friends with the appropriate volunteers/mentors.

Creating sensory-friendly spaces, offering respite care for parents, facilitating support groups for shared experiences, and building an inclusive atmosphere are all key components of a successful special needs ministry. Additionally, churches can extend their assistance beyond their physical confines by providing educational resources and guidance on navigating external systems and services.

The potential for churches to demonstrate compassion and support is vast, considering the pressing needs of children, adults, and families undergoing challenges. Acknowledging and understanding these needs is the initial step toward offering meaningful support.

 

(1)HTTPS://WWW.THEGOSPELCOALITION.ORG/ARTICLE/LET-NO-SPECIAL-NEED-HINDER-THE-SPREAD-OF-THE-GOSPEL/

(2)HTTPS://WWW.LAUSANNE.ORG/CONTENT/MINISTRY-AMONG-PEOPLE-DISABILITIES-LOP-35B

(3)HTTPS://CHURCH4EVERYCHILD.ORG/2016/02/09/WHAT-ARE-THE-STATS-ON-DISABILITY-AND-CHURCH/#_EDN7