I’ve served in ministry and in church long enough to see this scenario quite a few times: a teenage girl bringing her teenage boyfriend to church. I’ve seen parents handle this situation in many different ways.

By the way, I have yet to see this the other way around (a teenage boy bringing his teenage girlfriend to church), but that’s a different blog post.

Let me share my thoughts as a pastor for when your daughter brings her boyfriend to church.

THE GOOD

Okay, so that I’m not overtly negative and give away my general take on the situation—here are some redeeming points and positive arguments for a teen girl bringing her teen boyfriend to church.

• Parents, you get to see firsthand how Mr. Teen-Boy responds to the worship service. Is he engaged in the singing? Does he listen well to the preaching? Is his Bible open on his app or in his lap? How does he interact with strangers?
• Parents, you get to have a shared experience with Mr. Teen-Boy beyond simple interactions with your daughter. This gives you something of substance to talk about (besides your daughter). Forget the weather or the Final Four—now you can get an insight into just how much of the church service was his focus.
• And I would say most importantly, Parents, you get a front-row seat to see whether Mr. Teen-Boy enhances or distracts from your daughter’s ability to grow in and worship God. You’ll be able to tell if they’re more focused on each other or on the true reasons Christians gather for church (to worship God and fellowship with other believers). If they’re touching each other, that likely means they’re distracted (and if you were ever a teenager, you know this from experience).

Parents, what else would you add to this section?

THE BAD

If Mr. Teen-Boy is a Christian from a church-going family, then the fact that he’s with your family means he’s not worshiping with his own family. Sure once or twice isn’t the end of the world, but simply put, teenagers need to experience the church worship service with their own families. Parents remain the primary influence on their teens, so don’t lessen their ability to have that influence by allowing him to worship with your family. He should be with his family, both his home family and his church family.

Again, a periodic visit is not the end of the world, but it should not become the norm.

Only about 2% of people marry their high school sweetheart. Point being, don’t taint your daughter’s worship experience by introducing an emotional presence that, in all likelihood, won’t be around for the long haul. Even if they do stay together and get married, I’d still argue that the healthier approach is for teenagers to attend church with their parents.

This is actually a primary reason why, as you’ll see, I’m generally against teenagers bringing a boyfriend to church.

Parents, what else would you add to this section?

THE UGLY

The heart of the issue is whether or not he’ll be a distraction to your daughter, and by extension, your whole family. If he’s really there just to be with your daughter, that will be his focus – and that is part of “the ugly” of this whole conversation.

But I can already hear parents putting up the defense, “But, but, but this boy doesn’t come from a Christian family—we may be his only chance!” Firstly, that’s not true. God is bigger than that, but also, let’s address a few things here:

• Setting aside whether or not teens should date in general, your daughter shouldn’t be dating him if she’s a Christian and he’s not (2 Corinthians 6:14).
• Remember, Dad, you hold your daughter’s heart in your hands. You are to care for her tenderly, love her fully, and raise her righteously. As you raise her, you’re also showing her the type of man she deserves – and so, are you showing her the qualities of the type of man she should be looking for, starting with a commitment to faith in Jesus? If she’s at the point of dating, then you need to be clear on not just who she should be open to dating, but the purpose of dating: Is it simply about having fun because this is what teenagers do at this age, or is it about learning how to discern who would make a great future husband?

A CHRISTIAN BOY FROM A NON-CHRISTIAN FAMILY

Here’s another scenario: What if he’s a Christian but his family is not. If that’s the case and he’s brought into you and your daughter’s life, then here’s a few notes:

• The hard part of this would mean that he is growing up in a family that very well may be a kind and loving family, but is not a Christian family and so he’s not getting modeled in the home what makes Christian families different: Praying, devotion, Christian values, church involvement, etc. This doesn’t mean he and your daughter do not have a future, but it does mean you have a chance to speak Truth into his life that he’s not getting at home.
• So, make sure he’s at youth group, connecting with other Christians his age and faithful Christian mentors helping him to truly growing in faith.
• This should go without saying, but invite his family to church!
• Fathers, if things are getting serious and you want to help disciple him, then consider joining a men’s group with him where you can continue to pour into him and be the Christian parental influence he doesn’t have. Or, if that’s too awkward, connect him with a godly man who will disciple him beyond Sunday mornings. Again, this may be too serious of an involvement for a teen relationship, but the reality is – if they are in a relationship, then your daughter’s heart is being affected, and you – Dads – are to protect your daughter’s heart. So protect her heart by making sure that which is affecting her heart is a positive influence.

Parents, what else would you add to this section?

In Summary

As you enter into these possibilities, don’t forget the power of prayer as you pray for the boy that your daughter wants to bring to church. And if you do decide to have him come to church with your family, for the love of all that is holy, don’t let them sit next to each other!

Parents, at the end of the day, my honest assessment is that unless engagement is a real possibility, don’t allow it. In my experience as both a father, youth pastor, executive pastor, and now lead pastor – teenagers are too quick to entangle their hearts with dating, and the spiritual environment of church is meant to deepen fellowship, friendship, and relationship with those who go to church together – So, is your daughter ready for that added element in her dating relationships – because these sorts of experiences just further add to the depth of heartache when/if their relationship ends.

I know my take may seem harsh and unpopular, and your daughter will likely get mad (probably), but this is where you can explain everything mentioned above. It has nothing to do with him as a human, a gentleman, or being “such a nice boy.” This is about what’s best for your daughter – and for him. As I mentioned earlier, this kid needs to be attending church with his family—that’s where he’ll grow the most mature and, ultimately, be a better man for your daughter.

Again, I am giving my opinion and general principles and observations. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule. So, what are your thoughts? Am I being unrealistic, old-fashioned, or spot on?

Parents, what’s your good, bad, and ugly—and what’s your family’s assessment of the situation?